Quick exit
Mave Serenova

Free tool · for anyone wondering “is this normal?”

See the Pattern: abusive behaviours explained

Sometimes it’s hard to put a name to what’s happening at home. This page explains, in plain words, the ways some people control and hurt a partner, how it can affect you and your children, and where to get free help in the UK.

Need to leave this page fast? Press the red Quick exit button at the top right, or press the Esc key twice. You’ll go straight to the BBC Weather page, and the back button won’t bring you here.

This page saves nothing. Nothing you tick or read is stored or sent anywhere. Here’s how to clear your browsing history.

How to browse more safely
  • Private browsing: open a private or incognito window (in most browsers it’s in the menu, or press Ctrl+Shift+N, or Ctrl+Shift+P in Firefox). When you close it, the pages you visited aren’t kept in your history.
  • Clearing history: open your browser’s settings and look for “History” or “Privacy”, then choose to clear your history. You can often delete just the last hour. Clearing everything can look unusual, so you might prefer to delete only certain pages.
  • If someone checks your devices: they may be able to see more than history, for example through tracking apps or shared accounts. If you’re worried, use a safer device, such as a library computer, a work computer or a trusted friend’s phone.

What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse isn’t only hitting. It’s a pattern of control: one person, over time, makes another feel scared, small or trapped. It can be shouting, put-downs, checking your phone, controlling money, cutting you off from people, pressure about sex, or threats, as well as physical harm.

Controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship has been a crime in England and Wales since 2015. You don’t need bruises for it to count.

Abuse can happen to anyone: women, men, and LGBT+ people, at any age and in any kind of family. The characters below can be a man or a woman: a bad father or a bad mother, a husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. Whoever is doing it, and whoever it is happening to, it matters, and the same help is there for you.

If you’re reading this and it doesn’t feel good, take a break. Have a drink of water. You can come back any time.

Meet the nine characters

Each “character” is a different way control can show up. Most people who abuse use several of them. Press Read more on any card to see what it can look like, how it can feel, how it affects children, and what a healthy partner does instead.

    The nine characters are from the Freedom Programme, created by Pat Craven. This page is my own plain-words summary; to do the full programme, visit freedomprogramme.co.uk (opens in a new tab).

    How abuse can affect you, and your children

    These are normal reactions to living with fear and control. They aren’t a sign that something is wrong with you.

    Effects of abuse on adults (women and men)

    • Body: injuries, headaches, stomach problems, tiredness, or health problems that are hard to explain.
    • Feelings: fear, shame, guilt, anger, or feeling numb.
    • Mental health: anxiety, low mood, panic attacks, flashbacks, or thoughts of self-harm.
    • Sleep: trouble getting to sleep, waking often, or nightmares.
    • Confidence: doubting your own memory and choices, feeling you can’t do anything right.
    • Money: no money of your own, debts in your name, or losing a job.
    • Isolation: fewer friends, less contact with family, feeling there’s no one to tell.

    Effects on children

    • Fear: feeling on edge, worrying about a parent, or being scared to go home.
    • Behaviour changes: becoming very quiet, clingy, angry or “too good”.
    • School: finding it hard to concentrate, falling behind, or missing days.
    • Sleep: nightmares, trouble sleeping, or bedwetting after they’d stopped.
    • Blaming themselves: thinking the rows are their fault, or that they should fix them.
    • Copying: repeating the shouting, hitting or put-downs they’ve seen or heard.

    Children who see or hear abuse are recognised as victims in their own right (Domestic Abuse Act 2021).

    There is hope. Children are strong. With safety, routine and at least one loving, safe adult on their side, they can and do recover. You being here, reading this, is already a way of caring for them.

    Warning signs: a private checklist

    Tick anything that sounds familiar. This is just for you. It isn’t a test or a diagnosis, and your ticks are not saved or sent anywhere. They disappear when you leave the page.

    Statements about your relationship

      Red flags early in a relationship

      • Love bombing: lots of gifts, messages and big compliments very early on, so it feels like a fairy tale.
      • Rushing things: wanting to move in, get engaged or have a baby very quickly.
      • Jealousy dressed up as “love”: “I just care so much” when they’re upset you saw a friend.
      • Wanting you all to themselves: hinting your friends or family are bad for you.
      • Blaming others: every ex was “crazy”, and nothing is ever their fault.
      • Testing your “no”: pushing, sulking or teasing when you say no to small things.

      Resources and help (UK)

      In danger right now? Call 999. If you can’t speak, stay on the line. On a mobile, if prompted, press 55 so the operator knows it’s a real emergency (the Silent Solution).

      These services are for England and the UK. Some work slightly differently in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. Numbers checked October 2026, but they can change, so please check the service’s website if a number doesn’t work.

      If you’re supporting someone

      • Listen without rushing to fix it.
      • Believe them. Tell them it isn’t their fault.
      • Don’t push them to leave. They know their situation best, and pressure can make them pull away.
      • Leaving can be the most dangerous time. That’s why planning for safety with a specialist service, like the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, really matters.
      • Stay in touch and look after yourself too. You can call the helplines for advice as a friend or family member.

      Tell me what would help. Is anything missing, unclear or hard to read? Send feedback. Please don’t include personal details about your situation.

      Information and reflection, not legal or professional advice.